Saturday, July 27, 2013

It's happening again

My friend gave us tickets to the Angel's vs Twins game on Wednesday. It was a hot day and our seats were front and center to the sun's heat. I could only take so much. I got very irritable (maybe also because our son was acting like a big baby) and just started feeling "off". We ended up moving to the shade and were able to enjoy the game but the effects of the sun had already done its damage. I just didn't feel "right". Its so hard to explain. The next day I went to work....dragging, none the less. My alarm went off in the morning and although I slept what I would consider a good amount of time...this day it just wasn't enough. By the grace of my almighty God I was able to make it through the day, but once I got home, I was tired...not regular tired. I call it MS tired. It's a way different type of feeling. It makes me feel helpless, old, sick and sad. It brings back old memories of the trials that I have gone through. When I feel like this and I look at my son, it makes me feel sad and makes me want to cry. How will my future as a mom be when he is 10 years old? Will I be able to still give him my 100% or will this MS fatigue hold me down? Because of this, I sometimes feel that maybe I should only have one child. Notice I said "feel". I know we are not to be governed by our feelings but by the truth of God and His word. I just need to remember this when I am feeling low.
I remember someone saying that when you are going through trials you shouldn't focus on your current problems but on your past victories. I will continue to fight.
I will continue to remember all I have gone through with God's infinite grace and mercy. If God is for us...who can be against us?
Everyday is a new day to start over and become the best person you can be. Shortness of breath, fatigue, pain, weakness are just obstacles and as Philipians 4:13 says that I can do all things through God who strengthens me.
I carry that close to my heart.
This time will be one of those victories that I will look back upon.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Cancer sucks

The thing that has been on my mind recently is my work. I seem to be taking my work home with me and by that I mean in an emotional, mental way. I am a nurse at a wonderful hospital and I work on the "Advanced Brain and Spine" unit. Something new to me. The majority of my nursing experience has dealt with telemetry patients. Patients who come in with chest pain, heart attacks, etc. Where I work now, we deal with people who have come in with strokes, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis (who would have thought I would have ended up in a place like that...not me), headaches, spine surgeries, well basically anything that has to do with neurology. The group of people that has really impacted me is the people that come in with cancer. A lot of them are young with only a couple of symptoms that any of us could have such as headache, nausea and vomiting (sounds likes the migraines I get). They get an MRI, find out they have brain tumors, get operated (if it's operable) and then come to our floor. I have never dealt with this type of population before. It scares me, has me searching for scientific answers, has me asking God why these things happen, has me crying on the way home. I think the reason why this type of population affects me the most is because besides having family members with cancer and having the cancer gene, they did nothing (excluding cancer from smoking) to get the cancer. They are just like you and me going along, living life and then get side swiped and their life will never be the same.

*As I type this I make the connection as to why I am passionate about's the same story that all multiple sclerosis patients have. Maybe that is why I feel for them like I do....

They are now labeled. Have you ever had cancer? Yes. Check off that box.

It's so easy to just focus on the patient but you have to remember that they have spouses, kids, extended family and friends that this also affects. It's not a disease that kills one at a time but kills dreams, kills joy, hope...laughter.
It's a horrible disease.

I have a fire deep within me now to know more about this dream killer. I know there is talk of things you can do outside of the medicine realm. I have read about Kris Carr and how she is living and beating stage 4 cancer without chemotherapy and radiation, for 10 years now. I want to equip myself with the tools I need to educate myself as well as people I know on things you can do to prevent (if possible) and treat cancer.