Confused....(sigh)

I went back to work last Tuesday. I didn't feel 100% but then again I have come to an understanding that I might never feel 100% and that I have to face reality and go back to work. Work was tough. That hospital is just crazy. I came home after 12 hours of grueling work and was in pain, mentally and physically. After showering I laid in bed to relax and I just couldn't help but cry. Cried because I was hurting so bad and because I just don't like work right now. I don't want to do it just for a pay check but as of now it seems like that is what I have to do until I find something better for me.

As it turns out I wasn't only in pain because of a hard day at work, but also because I caught a bug! Yuck! My throat was hurting so bad, my body was hurting so bad, coughing...the works. One day of work and I get sick! That is so not good for me. I work at a hospital! As a nurse!! I can't get sick every time I work! That's just ridiculous! Today was the first day I felt better, physically at least. I have thought so much about what to do for another job, what would I love to do? Better yet what will I be able to do without being totally exhausted after a days work? I searched for jobs yesterday and I applied for one as a case management consultant. Not quite sure what that is, but sounded interesting enough.

Mentally I am so tired right now. I'm just thinking over and over about my future and what I am to do with my life. I'm such a planning type of person. I need to know everything, need to be in control. I know it's ridiculous. I know it's not good for me, but it's so hard to live day by day, or hour by hour without being in control. I know I have to turn over what control I think I have and just give it all to Jesus. I know it in my head but it's hard to do it. I praying for it.

I'm having such a hard time getting it through my head that I have a job that I don't like. I have always wanted to wake up and be excited about work. Is that such a crazy idea? I'm just confused about so many things right now that it's tiring. I can't stop thinking about it either.

I started reading a book that I bought a while back. I hope it helps me. Seems like it's a perfect book for me to read right now. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential each day, I just seem to float by. I want a change, I hope this book helps. :)

Work

Went to the doctor yesterday for a follow up since my disability is ending on Monday.
She asked me how I felt and I said I was fine, she asked me if I needed any restrictions and I said no.
Maybe I should have responded a little different, maybe I should have been very honest with her and tell her that I'm not happy with going back to work because I really don't know how my body will respond.
I would very much like to stay on disability to shield myself from all the stress of work, but I have to come to a realization that I cannot live in a bubble.
I cannot hide from life, I have to embrace the good and the bad. I want an exciting life: I want to travel and see the beauty of our world and I can't do all that when I enclose myself in the walls of my home.
It's do or die.
Better yet "do" or "just dream".
I don't want to "just dream" I want to "do".

So on Tuesday it's time for me to go work. I pray that everything goes as smoothly as things in a hospital can go. :)

Few things I want to do:




Leaning Tower of Pisa in Tuscany, Italy




Greece!

Mourning

I sometimes mourn the woman I used to be.
I think about how carefree she used to be, how she could go out dancing on a Friday night and the only thing she would have to worry about the next day is how much her feet would hurt because of the heels.
I remember how she basically could eat whatever she wanted, whenever she wasn't on a diet.
I remember how she loved her job and looked forward to it every day.
I remember she used to dream about how her future husband and children would be and how she wanted so badly to be a mother with only the "usual" apprehension. Would she be a good mother? Would she know what to do?
I remember she used to try and rush through things sometimes wanting to live in the future while she was in the present.

I'm a totally different person now.
I think about everything I do in great details. Will it get me too tired? Is there a bathroom around?
I think about the food I eat, not only to lose weight but also to nourish my body.
I don't love my job as much as I did, and in part I know it's because I don't let it define me now. It's just not as important anymore.
I now know how my husband looks, not my children yet. I still do want to be a mother but along with the "usual" apprehension of being a good mother, I have more worries. Will I have enough energy? Will I be a burden on my husband when I don't feel well?
I now sit and enjoy the small things I experience each day. The laughs Gio and I share for the silliest thing, the wind howling through the trees, the blue sky, the smell of our roses in the front yard, the differences in our dogs attitude and how they make us laugh.

Is that why people say that this disease has done more for them than what it has taken from them? I used to be so perplexed by it. How can somebody say they have enjoyed what MS has done for them?
Maybe this is it. It slows you down. It puts things in perspective. Nothing is as important as how you feel, and not just physically but emotionally and mentally.
It forces you to enjoy everything. The mishaps in life aren't as big as they once were. When you are dealing with a bigger entity that is MS, not having the coolest car on the block takes a back seat. Actually a lot of things start to ride on that back seat of life.
You start to love every little thing.
Without sounding too morbid, you start to live in the moment because you just don't know how long you will feel as good as you feel right now.
And I guess that's ok, because then I won't have any regrets with what I do with every day that God gives me.