I sometimes mourn the woman I used to be.
I think about how carefree she used to be, how she could go out dancing on a Friday night and the only thing she would have to worry about the next day is how much her feet would hurt because of the heels.
I remember how she basically could eat whatever she wanted, whenever she wasn't on a diet.
I remember how she loved her job and looked forward to it every day.
I remember she used to dream about how her future husband and children would be and how she wanted so badly to be a mother with only the "usual" apprehension. Would she be a good mother? Would she know what to do?
I remember she used to try and rush through things sometimes wanting to live in the future while she was in the present.
I'm a totally different person now.
I think about everything I do in great details. Will it get me too tired? Is there a bathroom around?
I think about the food I eat, not only to lose weight but also to nourish my body.
I don't love my job as much as I did, and in part I know it's because I don't let it define me now. It's just not as important anymore.
I now know how my husband looks, not my children yet. I still do want to be a mother but along with the "usual" apprehension of being a good mother, I have more worries. Will I have enough energy? Will I be a burden on my husband when I don't feel well?
I now sit and enjoy the small things I experience each day. The laughs Gio and I share for the silliest thing, the wind howling through the trees, the blue sky, the smell of our roses in the front yard, the differences in our dogs attitude and how they make us laugh.
Is that why people say that this disease has done more for them than what it has taken from them? I used to be so perplexed by it. How can somebody say they have enjoyed what MS has done for them?
Maybe this is it. It slows you down. It puts things in perspective. Nothing is as important as how you feel, and not just physically but emotionally and mentally.
It forces you to enjoy everything. The mishaps in life aren't as big as they once were. When you are dealing with a bigger entity that is MS, not having the coolest car on the block takes a back seat. Actually a lot of things start to ride on that back seat of life.
You start to love every little thing.
Without sounding too morbid, you start to live in the moment because you just don't know how long you will feel as good as you feel right now.
And I guess that's ok, because then I won't have any regrets with what I do with every day that God gives me.