Monday, June 22, 2009


I went back to work last Tuesday. I didn't feel 100% but then again I have come to an understanding that I might never feel 100% and that I have to face reality and go back to work. Work was tough. That hospital is just crazy. I came home after 12 hours of grueling work and was in pain, mentally and physically. After showering I laid in bed to relax and I just couldn't help but cry. Cried because I was hurting so bad and because I just don't like work right now. I don't want to do it just for a pay check but as of now it seems like that is what I have to do until I find something better for me.

As it turns out I wasn't only in pain because of a hard day at work, but also because I caught a bug! Yuck! My throat was hurting so bad, my body was hurting so bad, coughing...the works. One day of work and I get sick! That is so not good for me. I work at a hospital! As a nurse!! I can't get sick every time I work! That's just ridiculous! Today was the first day I felt better, physically at least. I have thought so much about what to do for another job, what would I love to do? Better yet what will I be able to do without being totally exhausted after a days work? I searched for jobs yesterday and I applied for one as a case management consultant. Not quite sure what that is, but sounded interesting enough.

Mentally I am so tired right now. I'm just thinking over and over about my future and what I am to do with my life. I'm such a planning type of person. I need to know everything, need to be in control. I know it's ridiculous. I know it's not good for me, but it's so hard to live day by day, or hour by hour without being in control. I know I have to turn over what control I think I have and just give it all to Jesus. I know it in my head but it's hard to do it. I praying for it.

I'm having such a hard time getting it through my head that I have a job that I don't like. I have always wanted to wake up and be excited about work. Is that such a crazy idea? I'm just confused about so many things right now that it's tiring. I can't stop thinking about it either.

I started reading a book that I bought a while back. I hope it helps me. Seems like it's a perfect book for me to read right now. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential each day, I just seem to float by. I want a change, I hope this book helps. :)

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I can't imagine being a nurse around sick people all the time and then have an immune system that is impacted by MS.

    I can relate to what you're going through and I am finally finding my own way back to something good I think. Reading and Praying can't do anything but help. I've just recently started reading about having a positive outlook etc and how that will help your overall life.

    I know you may not see it yet, but, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!