Friday, April 3, 2009

Let's start from the beginning...

It all started November of 2005. I went to my doctor because I had seen a "floatie" in my left eye. I was a home one day talking on the phone and started seeing this little black thing fall from the ceiling. I tried to pick at it and it turned out it wasn't something that was real, it was actually something my left eye was making me see. I rushed to get an appointment with my primary care doctor and when I saw her it almost seemed like she was more scared that I was. She tried over and over to get some deep tendon reflexes on me but couldn't. As any good doctor would do she handed me over to another one who hopefully knew what was going on with me. I started seeing my (then) neurologist who did a series of exams on me then suggested an MRI. I remember the MRI was scheduled the day after Thanksgiving and Rosy (my sister) went with me. It was almost 2 hours later that I emerged out of that machine still without a care in the world, still not even processing what could be wrong with me. We went home to have left overs and that was that. I received a phone call a couple days later from my neurologists' office that I was to have a lumbar puncture to properly diagnose me. My mom went with me this time and I almost wished she hadn't. I could see how scared she was and I knew she could sense my fear. Half way into the lumbar puncture I started hyperventilating and my mom started to feel faint, the doctor told her to go and sit down as I somehow stopped myself from passing out too. I went home that day under strict instructions to lay down the rest of the day to prevent complications that could arise due the lumbar puncture. My mom and Giovani (who at that moment wasn't even my boyfriend yet) stayed with me the rest of the day and didn't let me lift a finger. Giovani cooked us dinner and cleaned up. Days later I was with Giovani with a car expert on how to fix a dent I put in my own car when I received the phone call I never thought I would receive. When the doctor identified himself, I separated myself from where Giovani was talking shop to that guy and sat down on the front step of another establishment. I can't remember the exact words the doctor told me but all I heard was multiple sclerosis. Those two words shook me to my core. I instantly became scared and started crying. I went back to where Giovani was and without needing to ask me anything he instantly put me in my car and told that guy that we would have to resume another day. All I remember of that car ride was crying, I can't even remember how Giovani took it. 
We went to his parents house and I looked up multiple sclerosis online just to find pictures of people with canes, walkers and wheelchairs. My life was over. I was going to be in a wheelchair, that was to be my destiny. My future plans of getting married and having children crashed right in front of me without so much as a warning. I don't remember the rest of that day, but I do remember going to the neurologist another day so he could tell me of my options and what multiple sclerosis really means. I remember my first question was if I could have children. He said that having multiple sclerosis wasn't going to interfere with getting pregnant and having children. This wasn't so bad, I would have a normal life, or so I thought at that moment. At that moment in time I didn't have any major symptoms, but I did have fatigue. Although this diagnosis was the most horrible thing that had happened in my life, it was almost like a sense of relief. Once he told me that a major symptom of multiple sclerosis was fatigue, I no longer felt like a lazy person. I remember having days when all I wanted to do was to be in bed and punishing myself for doing so. Then other things that I had felt or had gone on in my life started to make sense, the doctor even told me that I probably have had MS since I was a teenager. 
Although I know so much more about this disease now, it's still hard to predict what will happen to me in the future. This disease not only takes away your power but in my case has helped me realize that I never had any power to begin with and that if I want to rely on something it can't be myself, it can only be God.

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